Before-word: Growing up without my father, the impact of paternal absence influenced very strongly my views of “father”. Even more debilitating for a child were the fears that this absence bred—the fear of being abandoned and of being rejected. This piece is written (and included in my book “Moments: A Poetic Heart Journey”) as part of accepting and valuing the relationship with my father for what it is, forgiving, letting go of the past and beginning the process of restoration and healing. You can read the backstory in “Haunted Heart“.
From experiences encountered each passing day
I grow, just a little more
Now I know, I’m never really fully grown
In my heart, buried deep within
A child yearns to be known, to be loved, to grow
It must have been me
I was not what he wanted
Did I cry too loudly?
Did I make him mad?
Did I bring him laughter?
No!
He must have been sad
There’s no other explanation
He’d just simply gone away
Never held me as a baby
Never fed me as a child
Never called me his little girl
Never owned me as his child
Growing up I felt abandoned
Kept it hidden, deep down inside
Didn’t want to let her know
Didn’t want make her sad
For he had left her behind too
Cried when I knew she could not hear me
Faked smiles to make her glad
Created an image of him
One embedded in my mind
One that would never ever leave me
One that loved me, kept me sane
Then that image, it got shattered
Reality came crashing in
Tearing away what I had dreamed of
Leaving me bare
Scared again
Said he loved me, but he hit me
Said he’d protect me, but put me out
Said he’d always be there for me
Now I’m living all alone
Ate my food from people’s handout
Slept in other people’s bed
Love earned a new meaning then –
Hurt me, abandon me, leave me all alone again
Tried to mend the broken fences
Three times
Rejected o’er again
Sending letters
Making phone calls
He just didn’t want to be there
He simply didn’t care
Time to move on from the hurt now
Time to count it all but loss
Time to heal my broken spirit
Time to find the child who’s lost
Now the child within has grown up
Life had dealt some hurtful blows
No more misled childhood fantasies
No more hoping it would be so
I would never be his “little girl”
I am so much stronger now
Strength from the ultimate source above
Yes, I’ve had some days of sorrow
Days when only tears would do
Days when living hurt so deeply
But the alternative too scary to do
Days when I could see no rainbows
Only stormy clouds and rain
Even though I couldn’t see it
God was always by my side
So to those who come behind me
Confused, abused, used
God can mend the broken pieces
Find your child who lives within
Listen
God has shown me
Pick yourself up
Start again
Experience new birth
And, know this
God blesses the child who hurts
Thank you for reading! Follow the blog👈 for more.
In creative solidarity, Dee
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